Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

[John S.]

Ive had OCD for as long as I can remember, washing my hands and afterword thinking if I did a good job, overdoing things to the point where my mind is satisfied that its clean, vacuming the same spot over and over, reading things over and over, checking alot more than once to see if my door is locked, if I left the water running or the burners on, the list goes on and on, but most recently its not these things that are driving me crazy, Im over this, Its more of what I think than what I do now, vivid images in my head , terrible and discusting thoughts but its not intentional it just like pops in my head out of nowhere things like insects being in my food, or using the restroom and having a image of my possesions being touched by S***, me touching contaminated things, bad words come into mind when I see things and whenever something happens I think the worst before thinking good or I try to think something positive but I cant think positive without thinking negative, this is making my life a living hell, literally and I never thought like this when I was younger im 26 now and this is worse than checking a door knob 3 times. It bothers me so much that I actually slap my own self so I can snap out of it even punch myself in the stomach or thigh to feel something real instead of something that isnt. I'll tell you what the mental pain is worse than physical in this situation, Its so hard for me to try to live a normal life. sometimes I dont even want to get out of bed because I know what im gonna go through when im awake. I do fight back every minute of everyday though I just try to clear my mind from everything just be blank, If I think something wrong I tell myself its the OCD its not my fault and try to not think about the image or thought more than that moment, but I dont know how to completely get rid of this I just wish jesus would clear my mind from all this negative thinking, Please respond to what im going through and help me in anyway with compassion, guidance anything.