Posttraumatic Stress Disorder

[Guest]

hi,
i am a 28 yr old from india working in the gulf(middle-east). on new year's eve a friend took me along. i did'nt know the place was a brothel. that day i ran from there but two days later i went there. i could not control myself and more so till then i had not known about stds other than aids. i don't know what came over me. i had a condom on throughout. but i am very afraid and angry with myself. i have betrayed my family. Going to a prostitute is taboo in our part of the world . everybody at home will be very shocked, sad and hate me even if they get to know that i had been to a prostitute. and i have a rather big family. all these years i had been an ideal son, brother, brother-in-law, nephew. i don't drink, smoke or do any other vice. i was even called 24 carat (as in gold) by our relatives. now this 10 minutes or so have snatched everything that i had from me. my calm, my life. its been 4 1/2 months now and i have tested and been cleared of all diseases that could be tested. i will mostly be married by next year and don't want to pass an any stds like hpv which cannot be detected to her. what wrong has she done(whoever she is) ? please advice what i should do. i cannot concentrate on anything. now i cannot think of anything else. i pray all the time. i ask god to just cancel off the 20-30 mins i had been in that place and let me be somewhere else during that time. other than this i do not have any blemishis in my life. i could not be a doctor which everybody including me so dearly wished. but it was coping well with that depression and earning some good money. everybody at home is happy with me and i want to keep them so. i cry sometimes in the bathroom and sometimes when i am alone. i have even stopped my gym exercises. only one person as of now knows about this episode a close friend not the one who took me there. that person has been there many times so have his friends. they don't seem to have any worry in the world. one has got married last year and this person is getting married in about two months. they would taunt me many times saying i was a kiddo and that sort. i have been always fascinated by women's breast and actually that was the reason that really drew me to the brothel the opportunity to see a lady's naked breasts. i never have had a girlfriend because i did not have the guts to talk with girls. i have changed now a lot. but whenever i come accross my female collegues i get more ashamed of myself. i don't have anyone to talk to here. i wish somebody else had invited me over for the new year celebrations. all this would'nt have taken place.

greater than the disease point there is the guilt and self-hate to look after. i hate myself. why did i go there ? if i had not gone there that day i would not have gone later as from the next day i was not alone as my brother(with whom i stay) had come back from india. now i have to hide this from everyone and also from my to be wife for the rest of my life. how i hate myself. all this is affecting my daily behaviour. i rarely speak at home. i know my sister-in-law must be angry at me. i used to speak a lot before and also go out with her and my brother in the evenings which has stopped. my friends here say i have changed. i am not my previously lively self. i look and feel very down, don't smile and just about manage to do my work.

i wanted to study further. since the last 4 months i haven't read anything of note and since i am into IT i need constant upgradation which is not happening. if not for this episode i would have been so happy and would have had started with my studies by now. i want to start it at the earliest but i cannot concentrate on anything. what do i do ? this has been a very stressing time for just about 10 mins of activity. i have had thoughts of suicide but i cannot do that because my mother in india will not be able to bear anything happening to me. and i am afraid to visit a psychiatrist here as i fear about the confidentiality issue. i cannot let anyone know this. this question has become very long. i am very sorry everyone. i know some of you will say i deserve all this. may be u all are right. sorry again.

[Guest]

You are quite quilty and ashamed. If you used a condom and don't have any std, then you should talk to a psychiatrist to try and put this in the past. Many people go to brothels, that is why they stay in business. You, on the other hand, seems to place so much value on some ideal that you can't stand it when you fall short. I would point out to you that no one is perfect. Indeed, your bride to be is not perfect. We are all humans struggling to do the best we can in this world. The fact that you are changing your whole life due to one incident says to me that you need some professional help and soon
[quote] hi,
i am a 28 yr old from india working in the gulf(middle-east). on new year's eve a friend took me along... [/quote]

[Guest]

i am afraid to go to a psychologist as i am not sure of the confidentiality. i know they keep what i say to themselves but in this country i do not know how far they follow it. i do not have medical insurance as of now and medical treatment here is expensive. i am planning to arrange a session soon. the first 3 months of this year i spent of stressing and being anxious of my status. i was so stressed that i may caught some disease including hiv that i was like a gone case. that anxiety has almost gone now after the tests i had in india ( i was very afraid to test here). psychiatrist all over would be same. right ? i so dearly want to be back to normal. i have this project i have to finish by next week and i am way behind schedule. if only i could concentrate on my work properly.
[quote] You are quite quilty and ashamed. If you used a condom and don't have any std, then you should talk to a psychiatrist to try and put this in the past... [/quote]