Posttraumatic Stress Disorder

[Lost in this world]

I have been deployed two times to Iraq. The first time I don't think was bad as the second. During the first deployment from April 2003 to June 2004. I only witnessed attcks of IED's, mortars and rockets. I had only witnessed one attack that injured two of my troops. Since then I still have daydreams and sometimes dream about this attack.
During the second deployment I find to be the worst. It was from Aug 2006 to Sept 2007. After only being there for 4 months I had my driver begging me to go in the lead vehicle. At this time I was reluctant on letting him do so. When Im had finally let him move from my vehicle to the lead vehicle the worst thing to me ever happened. His vehicle was hit with an IED. At this time he was flown to the nearest camp with a treatment facility were he had stayed for a week and was flown to Germany and then back home. Even though he made it out alive I still blame myself for what happened. I know it is part of war but he was like a son to me. He was only and just turned 21. I felt from that day forward useless.
After returning to the States in Sept it has been hard for me to sleep. I have had trouble dealing with my daughter who is now 8. I love my children and it is killing me to not be able to care for them like I did before. I am always feeling tired and weak. Not wanting to do anything. I am currently in a relationship with a woman that I truly love and on the verge of losing her due to outbreaks of rage, getting angered easily at nothing.
I know that I need help but not strong enough myself to seek it until yesterday when I trheatend to kill myself. This was the first time I had ever thought about killing myself and when I did it took her calling the sherriff's department for me to actually find somewhere to go and get help. I have an appointment today. I really hope it helps. When I was going to the V.A. I felt as if they didn't care or understand because they only have an allotted time with each person. Then they onle prescribed me medication which didn't help.
The reason I joined this forum is because I know there are others out there like me and other than the psychotherapist I need someone or others to talk to.
Thank you toeveryone who reads this. It is not easy for me to talk about things that are wrong with me. Hopefully this will make it easier.