Schizophrenia

[Darina]

Fear. That something is wrong with me, so wrong that I will die soon, very soon in great sufferings. Maybe I have throat cancer because it hurts. Then I get a clear and expressive picture of my mom going crazy first and then dying of heart attack dad committing suicide and boyfriend never find someone else and spend his life in depression Or I have a stomach cancer because I eat before sleeping. ( too bad obsession, cant stop eating). Or my brain swells up and split. Or infarct or insult. Or I catch aids or syphilis when I am in the social bathroom. All the time I fear of severe death. I feel pain as I imagine all this, depressed and paralyzed completely. Sorry if it brings someone down but I cant keep it inside, parents don’t listen to me saying it is BS.
I basically have two things: fears and obsessions. Obsessed that people all the time insult me severely. I see it in their eyes, tone of the voice, look, body movements. And I dwell. In my imagination I talk to the person who insulted me and revenge him. I revenge so severely that I feel that my brain would split of tension, heart race is about125-130, my hands I don’t know why turn dark blue. It was a few times. Sometimes I feel I loose my mind or can loose of these conversations in my mind. I cant talk to people, they offend me, everyone and always! I know it is not me it is desease but I feel so and can do nothing to stop feeling I am insulted. I feel my personality is decaying, I can not think, every time I try to think it all ends up in conversations with someone who offended me.
Basically I never worked normally. I am 25, hell, my life goes on and I don’t. I am currently looking for a job , an interpreter, think I can cope. But feel it is somewhat illusionary. It will be shame. Well, my boyfriend loves me. I never ever even hoped that someday someone will tell me “I love you”. I just can’t believe it. I don’t understand why it happened so that he loves me, I thought that was never possible.
Please, say to me something, I posted on forum OCD and three times noone answered me. Maybe I am not an ocder.
Sunrays in your hearts!